personal posts

Its okay not to be okay

November 21, 2017

[ this post is written in November 2017] So, here I am. And here I am going to tell you exactly what has been happening the last few months. I am going to be completely honest, as many people know, I am an open book, without secrets. I struggled with myself for a few months now. What do I want in life, if I still liked blogging, and if I was really happy with myself. I am still working on this as we speak. The most difficult part of this period was accepting certain things. I am someone who has not always been honest with myself, while I am the most important person in my own life, because off course, I have to live with myself my entire life.

Many people know that I am a very honest and open person. I like it when people take the time to get to know me. Because lets be honest, social media is not always the right way to introduce yourself. I have been a blogger for 10 years now, so I kinda know how people judge a book by its cover. I refuse to work with brands that doesn’t fit my style or doesn’t suit me as a person, even if they pay me loads of fees. Also, I never pretent to be happy while I’m not. Yet I often get private messages in which mainly girls say that they would like to have my life, that they are jealous of the stuff I get, and that they find my life perfect. I hate the word ”perfect”. For me there is nothing that is completely perfect, maybe that one sneaker ha-ha, but other than that ”perfect” means nothing to me. Don’t get me wrong, my life is great, I am happy with what I have, but I am not 100% where I want to be in life.  I am still searching for what I want, still working on myself and that I am not always comfortable in my own skin. Besides that, I have achieved more in the past 5 months than I thought. Cause 5 months ago, my relationship ended, and how I thought that being alone would be a hell, I did an amazing job the past 5 months, in fact, I do not need anyone, I actually love spending time with myself. I always thought that I needed someone, this has prevented me from traveling alone. Traveling alone was one of the scariest things there was. Many people do not know this because travelling is high on my list of goals. This year I went to London twice, although London is around the corner, sweat ran over my back when I was asked for a photo shoot. I even almost canceled, just because my fear of being alone took over.

Another thing I dealt with was the fact that I often needed confirmation from other people. I always have to be good enough, while I know very well, that I’m good enough as I am. This is something I found out only this year, while it has been a struggle all my life. This is where the insecurity pops up, I always think I am doing so much shit wrong, while I have already done so many things right, all by myself. Its okay not to be okay. Some people drink alcohol when they don’t feel good, I write it down and share it with people, not for attention but for awareness. I think it is good that people like me, with followers, with girls who see me as inspiration, open up and tell what it really is about. Social media is not always what it seems. At the moment I am trying to be more comfortable with myself, I’m healthy, happy single and spend time with the people who are worth it.

I think that meditation has made the most change in my life, because you really learn to deal with your emotions and how you can let go of certain things. What I want to say in this post is that you never have to give up, if you want to achieve something in life, grab it with both hands and go for it. I have learned that love is complicated, and that it is more important to love yourself than anyone else. And if you are in trouble with yourself or with something else, talk about it.

Keep on being you, cause you are unique.

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