personal posts

the stain.

November 23, 2018
stain /steɪn/ verb – mark or discolour with something that is not easily removed. Thats how all of this feels for me. Like a stain that is so intensely hard to remove. It’s like a stain that you carry with you. Every. Single. Day. My concentration is hard to find. I noticed it when I went grocery shopping in the supermarket. What was I going to get again? And why did I go and get it? For what did I need it? I notice that I start to forget things. Not just small things, big things too. I can no longer listen to music and write this blog post at the same time which is annoying cause its pretty quiet in my room now ha-ha. I’ve always done loads of things at the same time. 3 jobs, some things on the side too. I even did my makeup behind the wheel while being on the phone.

It started with denying my feelings. I did not want to know anything about it. Why do I feel this way? I had no explanation and I still don’t. When people ask me how I’ve been, I always answer with: ”I’m doing good!”. I guess thats just my automatic answer, but when I started thinking about how I really felt at the time it was a big disaster. I completely lost myself at one point. And I’m still on my way trying to find myself. I think I speak for many, many young people when I say that it is so intensely difficult to explain how you feel, because it can not be explained at that moment. The scary thing is, that you feel so much, but still feel empty. It is as if your feelings are constantly testing you. You are anxious and sad, but also happy because you are still here, and alive, grateful for friends and family, a roof over your head. There are so many things that I am grateful for. But it feels like it all doesn’t matter at that moment. It really is like a stain that never goes away. It’s not just something you clean up with some Jason Markk.

After forgetting things and the concentration problems came the self-confidence. In one way or another, they decided to go on holiday and leave me for no reason, will the confidence come back? This is when the attention seeking randomly kicks in. I completely lost control over everything. Have you ever heard of panic attacks? Ever had those? Imagine having them, randomly at work, in the club, in the subway, eating a sandwich. Its extremely exhausting. Its just a rollercoaster with all kinds of things happening at the same time while trying to live a normal life.

It really helped me to be open about this. If you know me, or follow me for a while, and you are aware of my blog posts then you know that I find this subject very important. I want to create awareness because I have a platform to share it on, and people that look up to me. I want to let EVERYONE know, that it’s okay not to feel okay. This is what is happening to so many people and most of them have no clue where to start or what to do which is literally the worst cause nobody wants to feel this way. I’m just here to share my story. And to tell all of you that were all in this together.

Currently it is going better, but I do live with fear. Winter is a dangerous period for me. It is exactly a year ago when this rollercoaster started, and it took me at least another six months before I really asked for help. I think many people are mistaken about how other people feel. For some people it becomes intolerable which is really really shitty and I wish I could help all of them but its a problem we need to fix ourself. We are the only ones that are able to control whatever we do and how we respond to it. I’ve learned so much from this experience which is something that still haunts me but I try to think about it in a positive way. This whole story might sound like something negative cause it contains loads of complaining. But I promise you its not. I really needed this to get of my chest to whoever is reading this. And hope to inspire, always. *inserts the struggle is real meme*

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